I arrived in 2010 in a state of aggrieved indignation because researchers in California steadily refused throughout 2009 to sell me a supply of their newly discovered health drug, dubbed AICAR. This drug, they had discovered, turned lazy, couch-potato laboratory mice into super rodents without them taking any exercise. When lured into exercise tests by tempting food the doped mice were able to run on a treadmill 44% longer than untreated mice. This was it! A new and ecstatically happy life -- divided between total inertia, tempting food and occasional Olympic-standard bursts of zooming physical effort -- had been found for me in the nick of time. I could become super-fit without moving a muscle. But, dear reader, it was not to be. Instead I have had to exert myself in gathering these encouraging news stories from abroad. Ludicrous news stories from South Africa have become valueless: there are too many of them and we have stopped laughing at them. Come to think of it, did I eventually get that letter off? Did I get the address? Inertia is a terrible thing. But running on a treadmill can’t be much fun. Meanwhile, a market trader in Bristol, England, was ordered to destroy a batch of 5000 fresh kiwi fruit because they were 1mm thinner than allowed by European Union laws. Inspectors even forbade the 53-years-old trader, Tim Down, from giving the fruit away.
And that charming European winter scene of the family Labrador snoozing next to the kitchen Aga stove is now forbidden. The European Union has issued laws banning any pets from all food preparation areas under pain of fines and/or imprisonment. But the Irish police scored when they found Ireland’s most dangerous driver. Their computer showed that Prawo Jazdy had clocked up 50 offences. But each time he was caught, his driving licence was registered to a different address. Finally a cop worked out that Prawo Jazdy is Polish for “driving licence” and his colleagues had been writing it down as the driver’s name. Hilary Clinton, America’s Secretary of State, won new popularity from journalists using the number for telephoned questions or interviews with her. They were answered by a “breathy” female who asked them if they would like to “get down and nasty”. The White House later apologised for giving out a sex line number for Hilary.
Two religiously carried-away nuns were clocked by police doing 190kph in a Ford Fiesta in Italy. Driver Sister Taveletta explained that they were hurrying to see Pope Benedict XVI after hearing he had fractured his wrist. “We were on our way to see he was okay,” said the Sister. A police spokesman said: “We hope the Sister will confess her bad driving next time she goes to confession. Meanwhile, she will have to pay the R4 025 fine.” A Russian plumber survived a five-storey fall from his apartment after drinking three bottles of vodka and hurling himself out of the kitchen window. Unharmed by the fall, he climbed the stairs back to his flat. “I have no idea why I jumped out of the window the first time,” he told police. “But when I came back up and my wife started screaming at me I thought it best to jump out of the window again,” he said. And survived the five-story fall again. A 33-years-old American mum, Wendy Brown, stole her teen-age daughter’s identity and went back to high school in an attempt realise her schooldays’ dream of becoming a mini-skirted cheerleader at football games. She was rumbled by a truancy inspector for skipping too many lessons. Teachers said she was poor at maths, timid and emotional at times. And in Bedford, England, parents were banned from attending their children’s annual school sports day. “If we had let the children’s parents in they would have been free to roam the school grounds,” said an Education Department spokesman. “All unsupervised adults must be kept away from children,” he said.
AND NOW A COUPLE OF SANE AND COMFORTING RECIPES
Canned Fish Pie – for 4.
As fresh fish prices rocket, that old canned pilchards mainstay becomes more attractive, more of a bargain. Get together: 1tbs butter. 1tbs plain or bread flour. 2 cups milk. 1tsp curry powder. Juice of ½ lemon. A 425g tin of pilchards – if you don’t want the tomato often included, just rinse the pilchards under a cold tap. 100g frozen peas. 100g frozen or fresh mealie kernels. For the topping: 2 cups freshly cooked mashed potato. 1 tbs butter. 1 tbs milk. Half an onion, grated. 1egg, beaten. Salt and fresh-ground black pepper. Preheat oven to 180C. In a saucepan make a white sauce by mixing the butter, flour and milk together – then whisk constantly over medium heat until sauce smoothes and thickens. Add curry powder, lemon juice, pilchards, peas and kernels. Stir together briefly. Spoon into a 20cm oven dish. Make the topping by beating the potato mash with the butter, milk, onion and egg. Season to taste. Spread topping over the pilchards and bake for 40 minutes or until golden brown. You can also use fresh or frozen puff pastry as a topping. When rolled and ready, cut thin strips to stick over the casserole edges. Then roll out the pastry until it covers and can be crimped to the edges.
Risotto with bacon and peas for 4.
A great half-hour-to-make supper. Get together: ½ a cup of sunflower or canola oil. 1 onion, finely chopped. 4 or 8 rashers of bacon, depending on size. 1 clove garlic, finely chopped. 2 cups of fluffy rice (Arborio is best). 1.5 litres chicken or vegetable stock heated. 1 cup frozen peas. 3 heaped tbs of strong cheese – mature cheddar or Parmesan. A bunch of parsely, washed and finely chopped. Heat the oil in a pan and cook the bacon, onion and garlic until soft. Add the raw rice and stir for three or four minutes, until the grains are well coated with oil. Add a cup of the heated stock and stir until it is absorbed. Add more as the rice soaks it up. Keep stirring. After around 10 minutes, add the frozen peas. Carry on stirring. The risotto will be ready after around 20 minutes of cooking – when almost all the stock has been absorbed and when the rice is soft and creamy. Mix the cheese and parsley and stir it in quickly just before serving. Other flavourings: tinned sardines, black olives, soft-cooked red or green peppers, any finely chopped vegetables, fresh chopped herbs, sprinkles of red chilli powder, other grated cheeses – even blue cheese.
